Release

3/28/21 Sunday

Hello, it’s been a while. After a silent winter, I’ll try to ease back into this. A good start might be to apologize for leaving so abruptly last time. I acknowledge it wasn’t fair to some of the readers I’ve grown closer to, those who have shared this difficult journey with me. The reason is that things were getting worse and more intense, and it was starting to have a noticeable effect on my son. Everything else had to be set aside while I focused on getting us through this.

There’s a funny thing I learned along the way about living through the pain and hardship. The issues we faced were difficult, severe, and consequential. Life in general would change as we knew it, as shaped by our own decisions, with recommendations from various counselors, advice from attorneys, and decisions handed down from numerous court appearances. However after coming through all that, I can say that ripping the bandaid off a failing marriage was better than continuing life as it was before, a sad charade of appearance, where habit, routine, wishful thinking, and long nights of emotional isolation became a breeding ground for fear, deceit, and manipulation.

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The other day I went down to the beach just to watch. No surfing, no sailing, just watching seabirds and listening to the sound of the pebbles wash in and out with the waves. So present, so timeless. The longer I sit the more the “I” melts away, until there is only wind, water, and rock.. Not long ago the divorce was finalized. My contract at work is coming to an end, and the lease for my little cottage is almost up. The boat up for sale. I don’t remember the last time I felt so naked, so alone, so alive, and so excited about a future that is unwritten. I kind of thought this moment would be all about letting go, but the sea made me realize something – I already had.