Decision #1: Forgiveness

9/9/20 Wednesday

Over the long weekend, we had the best sunny weather imaginable for the Pacific Northwest. But instead of joining the masses out on the water, the new kitten and I stayed put at the marina tackling a long list of boat maintenance projects that need to get done before the rains begin. While I labored away, Little Miss Butter Biscuit explored the dark recesses of the bilge and took long naps. We both had a lot of time to think.

I want to forgive my ex wife, for all the things she did to me, herself, and my son. However I’m not sure how to go about it. First of all, I tend to think of forgiveness as something that happens after the harm is done. But since we are still going through a difficult divorce, the pain is still present and raw. I wonder if I should wait until later. Also, I don’t know if I really can forgive her for what she did to herself or others, am I only able to forgive someone for what they did to me?

Endlessly I sand, varnish, sand and varnish. The sun burns my back and sweat drips down my face. The terns cry over and over from high above, and the kitten emerges surprisingly from the battery locker. I’m ready for peace, to let the bitterness go. I’m ready to forgive, but don’t know how. We close our eyes, and rock gently with the wind on a late summer afternoon, safe and snug in our little slip.

after-the-rain.org / Sleepy kitten on a boat

Author: Rainey

after-the-rain.org What started out as chicken scratch notes on the back pages of my boat’s logbook has now grown into a blog. These words and images help me cope with a loved one struggling with mental illness, and they help guide me through divorce, and the process of moving on. Thanks for reading along as I learn about life the hard way, do the best I can for my son in my new role as a single dad, and find weird similarities between restoring an old blue water sailboat and putting the pieces of my own life back together. Come check out my story and feel free to say hi!

8 thoughts on “Decision #1: Forgiveness”

  1. I love the new kitten. She will help you heal. We call it fur therapy here at our house where we have 2 cats and my kids and I are very bonded with them. Proven fact is that the purring vibrations and peace that you and the cat share when you pet her will help.

    As for the forgiveness, I’m not sure if you’ve talked about what she did or if it’s just that I can’t remember and for that, I’m sorry. But forgiveness occurs over time when we are ready to let go of the trauma and the story of how someone else’s actions hurt us. It takes time for sure and it can’t be rushed really…but I have found that forgiveness is for me to feel better, get stronger and move onward in my life. I forgave the ex for I saw that what happened between us has led me to where I am now and I am finding peace within by not holding on with an unforgiving heart.

    I am not sure if this makes sense and perhaps I’m writing too much in a comment. But that’s been my experience. I’m here to help as a friend if you want one.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. That’s a good way to look at things, and I want to be in that place someday. Perhaps that time is getting close. I haven’t written about the heaviest things because they’re currently wrapped up in litigation, but maybe I can when it’s all over.
      As for the furry friend, I wouldn’t necessarily say I’m a cat person but I’ve grown very attached to her. She brings a lot of fun, comfort, and overall joy to life, when she’s not shredding my toes or ambushing me when I walk down the hall. Thanks Janie

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  2. It sounds to me like you are on the way, and there’s no need to rush things. I think it’s like grief – it has its own timetable, and each situation is different. I once experienced a physical sense of lightening, a real raising up, along with a deep feeling of forgiveness for someone who had done truly horrible, violent things. But for me, usually, it’s far more subtle and gradual than it was that time. Don’t overthink it. LMBB sounds like a good companion for life right now. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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