Dinner with Candlelight for One

5/29/20 Friday

All week long I’d been looking forward to sailing today, but the closer today came the less I was feeling it. The winds were picking up and the clouds were forecast to move in. So instead, I packed up for an overnight stay and came out to the boat anyway just to hang out at the marina. Day is with his mom this week so it’s just me. I miss him but feel content, it’s peaceful here. Schools of anchovies swim in circles around the boat, gills flared out. The noisy gulls and terns have left for the evening and blue herons are coming in to roost.

after-the-rain.org / Folding the jib

Without sailing or projects I have a chance to just take it easy. I talk with buddies on the dock and soak up some sun, flaking and folding up my sails that I put away too impatiently last time. Down below I lay out my stuff for the evening, marveling how much gear can fit in such a small space if that space is well designed. It’s all fun and nostalgic, and I’m happy to be here. I take frequent breaks to just sit and appreciate the moment.

after-the-rain.org / Bronze bottle opener

As the day drifts away, the sky begins its dreamy performance that will last well into the evening. Blueish white, then pinkish gray. The air is cool and moist and wisps around the cabin like dancing ghosts. I feel the temperature change on my skin, and wonder for a moment if it’s possible to taste color. At this time of year at 48 degrees north latitude the sunset will last for 3 or 4 hours. Misty pink flares out into orange and red, then honey brown, and an eventual purplish black.

after-the-rain.org / Barometer

As the wind chills I’m excited to come in and start the little stove and light a candle, it’s time to fix dinner. A hot castiron pan, olive oil, sizzling onions and orange bell peppers. Chicken, black beans, rice, salt, pepper, and a diced jalapeno. I taste it already with my eyes, wrapped up in a warm tortilla. I wish I had wine but the spring water I fortunately had in the truck will do.

after-the-rain.org / Dinner on the boat

These are the meals I like to fix when Day is away. These are the quiet moments I’m growing to appreciate. Confident with just myself, comfortable in my own skin. Not searching anymore for who I am, but gravitating toward my true self, without ego, without effort. Truth, goodness, beauty – core values that rise naturally from within, that perhaps were always there, waiting for an unexpected life change to strip away years of being someone else, someone who someone else wanted me to be. Tonight I eat dinner alone but I’m not lonely. It’s chilly outside but I’m comfy and content, and soon I’ll drift off, rocking gently to sleep in my 6500 pound waterbed, sturdy and loving like a country grandma.

after-the-rain.org / Brass light

Author: Rainey

after-the-rain.org What started out as chicken scratch notes on the back pages of my boat’s logbook has now grown into a blog. These words and images help me cope with a loved one struggling with mental illness, and they help guide me through divorce, and the process of moving on. Thanks for reading along as I learn about life the hard way, do the best I can for my son in my new role as a single dad, and find weird similarities between restoring an old blue water sailboat and putting the pieces of my own life back together. Come check out my story and say hi.

5 thoughts on “Dinner with Candlelight for One”

  1. Hey Rainey,

    I am so happy to read that you are in such a good place at the moment. You look well and fit so you are clearly looking after yourself which is key. Firstly, I have to say your metaphors and similes are just the best. I can really imagine what you describe. They really engage the senses. Your boat is such a labour of love. It’s very beautiful and you keep it beautifully clean and tidy. We all need our little oasis where we can withdraw and be 100% ourselves away from judgement, expectations, and duty. I can really relate to the sentiment in this post. After 25 years of marriage, I too often feel lost in it all, not knowing where ‘Me’ is any more. I crave for that freedom to shed all the layers of habit and expectation often, if I am honest. I often conclude: there must be more than this! BUT…

    Like

    1. I appreciate that. The boat doesn’t look too tidy at the moment, I have a lot of cleaning up to do this morning! I hope someday you can find meaning and fulfillment in your own unique situation. Keep your fire burning and I’m sure you’ll figure out a way that’s right for you, one day at a time, one moment at a time, it’s all about the process. Right now my process is just about getting up for the day and starting some coffee..

      Liked by 1 person

  2. You have a beautiful way of writing as we feel as though we are there with you. Thanks for visiting my blog so that I could, in turn, find yours. Your boat is soothing to the soul I’m sure. There’s nothing like it in the world. I understand.

    Liked by 1 person

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