10/3/21 Sunday
There is no longer a tiny ship waiting for me. No sails to mend, no rigging to tune, no bottom to clean. I’m more efficient at work, no longer distracted by fretting about wind and tides, planning the next adventure. Chart #18441 (which covers the southern Salish Sea) has long since been rolled up, collecting dust in a storage unit at the marina. The sound of the bow crashing through waves, the risk of going forward untethered to clear a fouled jib sheet, and the satisfaction of bringing a sailboat back safely to a slip singlehanded are all memories now, fading quickly with time.
To pile on, summer is long gone. Darkness comes early these days, and a quiet gray is creeping in, subtle but persistent. I still go walk the beach sometimes, but the sand is cold, and now I wear shoes. The soles of my feet are becoming soft, muscles are disappearing, and my palms are pasty. Frankly I’m getting fat. The new Monday through Friday work routine is really sealing the deal, and this is having the same dulling effect on the inside. Slowly but surely life is becoming comfortable. The rainy days of autumn are quiet, peaceful in a way, thoughtful, and soft. The only new excitement is my Swedish friend.
It’s late at night, and the rain pitter patters on the window. My energy is spent. I lie on my stomach, legs loosely tangled in a sheet, staring at the flickering candle by the bedside. Her fingertips softly trace my body, like warm little raindrops down my back. Without a word she hands me something. It’s a birthday card, a card and a chocolate bar actually. The chocolate makes me smile, but the card is a stunner. It’s a tiny watercolor of a little yellow Flicka, with tanbark sails no less. As usual she’s really not aware of how much these little gestures mean. I say thank you (a lot), blow out the candle, and lie wide awake drifting on a sea of memories as she quietly drifts off to sleep.
After the Rain 
It’s a common theme in much of my writing in here, that life is mostly lived in avoidance of three emotions: fear, loneliness, and boredom. Ironically, however, moving away from one always seems to bring another into proximity, so that finding balance is an always somewhat *uncomfortable* task.
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Interesting. I mostly go in instinct these days. Whatever the motivation, it tends to make a beautiful mess out of things. Perhaps this is just how it should be?
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Perhaps. Messes will certainly keep one motivated. 😉
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It’s funny how fast the memories of something once so important fade.
A belated Happy Birthday to you!
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All the more reason to appreciate the present I guess (unless you’re trying to forget something.. like cane spiders 😉).
Eesh 49, where does the time go?
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Haha. 49? I just hit 53 a few days ago. Life seems like one long dream now.
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Well happy birthday to you too! Children of the early 90’s I guess. We had some good music at least.
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Life being comfortable is a worthy goal for anybody. Many will never know it.
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I’ve been thinking about your comment, and will try to clarify my problem with comfort, at least in the context of this post.
For myself, there is a fine line between physical comfort and indulgence. This can lead to a dull body, which quietly slips into spiritual complacency. A couch, a tv, multiple kinds of insurance, and a steady job may sound great, but they slowly take their toll, slowly separate me from the real world, a world of intense beauty, intense pain, mind blowing love, and deep despair. Comfort becomes a silent prison to a soul that feeds on raw life. It masks problems, and can cause fear of the worst kind, fear of living.
I don’t pretend to know what it’s like to walk in anyone else’s shoes, but I know what it’s like to walk in mine.
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I love your comment here more than your post. It gives us a great window into the kind of person you are and what makes you tick.
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Thank you. Sometimes I might not do a good job putting my emotions into words, and even if I do it’s not for everyone.
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A belated happy birthday Rainey. I get what you are saying. We are all dying a little with each day that goes by but it is true that when we become comfortable, complacent and our curiosity and determination to maximise each day, to challenge ourselves subsides, we begin to die inside even though we are still alive. Perhaps a good compromise is to know that there is a season for everything; that all seasons in life are necessary and give meaning to each other.
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That’s a good way of looking at it, hope you’re doing well over there.
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