Am Sad

After-the-rain.org / Ferry travel

7/20/21 Tuesday

I get sad when my son goes back to his mom’s every other week. Not a little sad, but a gut wrenching sickness type of sad that no amount of logic can relieve. There’s no fix for it other than time.

Sometimes I spend time riding this boat. It’s a ferry, which presents a nuisance to most people who just wish to get to the other side. They want to go somewhere. When you let go however, there is no somewhere, only here. I see the mountains, the sea, and lean out over the rail to watch the wake. The air is chilly but the sun wins today, warming my skin. Feeling the low vibration of 6000 horsepower diesel engines, I close my eyes and imagine Vasudeva from the best book of all time, Siddhartha. I spend the day going back and forth for hours..

My contract at work ends next week. It’s exciting and nerve wracking to think about the prospect of having a boatload of bills to pay and zero income. I’m not sure yet what I’ll do to pay the bills, but I have a plan to at least think about it – going total castaway. With a fishing rod and a crab trap, I’m going to set up camp at a remote beach on the island, absorb the saltwater/sand/sun and figure something out. Wishing you a happy and meaningful summer week.

Author: Rainey

after-the-rain.org What started out as chicken scratch notes on the back pages of my boat’s logbook has now grown into a blog. These words and images help me cope with a loved one struggling with mental illness, and they help guide me through divorce, and the process of moving on. Thanks for reading along as I learn about life the hard way, do the best I can for my son in my new role as a single dad, and find weird similarities between restoring an old blue water sailboat and putting the pieces of my own life back together. Come check out my story and feel free to say hi!

14 thoughts on “Am Sad”

  2. Hi Rainey! Oh that made me feel a bit sad. When my kids were little I simply couldn’t bear to be apart from them one night let alone for days, and even now when they are 23 and 20, my son (20) has just returned to UK alone for the first time and I’m constantly fidgeting wondering if he is ok and missing his presence. I have no doubt you will find another job or another opportunity that will provide the income that you need. You are strong, resourceful and resilient, from what I can glean on here. Un abrazo muy fuerte, Mercedes MXO

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      1. It is lovely. My 20 year old son is still living at home but my 23 year old daughter is about to go to Copenhagen for 6 months to do an Internship with the United Nations out there. So exciting! I am sure she is gonna have so many stories to tell me come February/March. Gonna miss her painfully and terribly though.

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  3. It’s appalling that you’re about to run out of your money lifeline. I admire your bravery in facing up to it, though. Perhaps, though, you’ll want to plan a bit more in the future for days to come? If I knew I was about to hit a brick wall financially, I’d damn well have a backup plan (or two) set in motion.

    — Catxman

    http://www.catxman.wordpress.com

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    1. It’s ok, I have a plan. I have 2 good fishing rods and a crab trap, and have been studying driftwood architecture. I funded my son’s college investment account when he was one, and plan on drawing a treasure map to guide him to a small stockpile of gold and silver when I pass on.

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  4. What you are doing takes so much courage. You are letting your heart guide you back to yourself. I’ve been in the same situation more than once and it’s terrifying. But I’ve learned that when you live with integrity and listen to your spirit rather than society it always works out for the better. Sometimes it takes a while, but it’s worth the wait. Taking this time to reflect is a priceless gift to yourself.

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    1. Such positive and encouraging things to say. If you were a thousand miles closer I’d ask to hear more, perhaps over coffee ☕️. Seems like you have a good head on your shoulders and a warm heart, after pulling through your own hard times. Thank you and have a good Sunday.

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      1. You’re very welcome, Rainey. Yes, too bad about the distance. I’d like to hear what you have to say as well. 😊Take care and have a beautiful week.

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  5. Many families, dads and mom are experiencing the same sadness and situation. Be thankful for peace. Just keep your heart opened, goodness will come in and fill that interval. Take care.💞🍮🍮

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      1. You are very welcome Rainey, AmericaOnCoffee has been sharing ideas in support of struggling parents in our flawed court system for years. We are hopeful. You are welcome dear friend. You can have a triple latte with extra foam anytime. Blessings! 🍮🍮💞🕊

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